


Welcome to Pine Cliff: The Stranger

by BlueParabox



Series: Welcome to Pine Cliff [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Everyone else is dead, Female Radio Host, Gen, Pine Cliff, Radio Broadcast Format, The Radio Host is Alive, Welcome to Pine Cliff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 09:26:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4216380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueParabox/pseuds/BlueParabox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A quiet woodland town where the people are friendly, the views are breathtaking and specters watch from the trees as we go about our day...</p><p>On today's broadcast Kathie reminds us not to talk about the Blood Pine Festival, discusses the legality of time travel, and meets a beautiful Stranger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to Pine Cliff: The Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this around A Carnival Comes to Town and it was originally written to be a podfic, but it (obviously) took longer to finish than initially expected so I thought I'd go ahead and post it here for now. I had a lot of fun creating Pine Cliff for all of you to see, and I hope you enjoy it!

When a tree falls in a forest, there is a moment of perfect silence where the woods grapple with **loss**. Hikers should avoid patches of silent trees. They're in mourning. Give them some space.

Welcome to Pine Cliff

 

[Intro Music]

 

We’ll start off today’s broadcast with a special announcement:

The Pine Cliff Tourism Committee reminds citizens that any posters or pamphlets you may see advertising the town’s annual Blood Pine Festival are not official materials. The PCTC is still deliberating on whether they even want anyone to come to next week’s festival or if they’d just prefer to be left alone thanks. The vote, which began last April, has been mired in debate, lacking the required unanimous support to move forward. Until such a time as a decision is reached, any advertising for the festivities is highly illegal. Possession of unsanctioned promotional materials, and/or word of mouth communication encouraging attendance will result in a severe fine to be paid in full when all debts come due.   

 

Now for a correction.

Listeners, you may remember on last week’s show, I received an anonymous tip that Dallas Gunnar Bundy, famous serial killer and star of the hit reality show _Yes, Panic!_ , had been spotted driving down Route 13 toward town. You may also remember that I spent the remainder of the show hiding under my desk discussing what a gem of an episode my death would be and how they really should have done this for the midseason finale.  ( _Clive the Baker_. *Scoffs* I mean, really? In the oven? That’s kind of tasteless.)

*sigh*

In the wake of last night’s _explosive_ ratings bomb, Revenge in Red Mesa, this tip has proved to be the worst sort of prank.   Oh I am sure that some of you out there think it’s all very funny.  Just because your host is _alive_ and can be killed, let’s get her hopes up while simultaneously terrifying her with the inevitability of her own mortality.

To which I respond, * _hello*,_ death is a real issue for me. Being alive is the only qualification I _have_ for this job. And I much prefer being a radio host to…whatever job a dead 26 year old with a BA in existential poetry qualifies you for.

Still no word from the City Clerks’ office on the status of my living resident application.

 

Oh, listeners, I am getting a report from Intern Mackenzie on the station Ouija Board. Apparently a Strange Car has just passed the city limits and entered Pine Cliff. This Car, unlike all other cars in Pine Cliff was manufactured after 1995 and is a clearly definable shade of beige. Furthermore, it appears to be obeying not only the posted speed limit but also laws of Newtonian mechanics. It’s a little early to speculate but it sounds like the car is, well, physically present in our reality.

Inside the car, Mackenzie reports, is a man. Oh I am receiving a portrait of the man drawn by invisible fingers in the perpetual frost on my booth window. He is a very _attractive_ man. Is the man corporeal as well? Yes, Intern Mackenzie confirms that the man himself is, in fact, breathing; that he reaches up and adjusts--by touch--the beaded cross dangling from his rearview mirror; that he and his car pass directly through Madame Josetta as she carries her groceries.

Who is this stranger, who is very much alive? And what is he doing in Pine Cliff? More on this story as it develops.  

 

The Pine Cliff Parents Association presents Wilderness Safety Tips

Before letting your children out to play in the woods, remember to check the phase of the moon. Spectres grow moody and violent during certain parts of the lunar cycle. Make sure to keep your children inside if you observe the following conditions:

New Moon

No Moon

Blue Moon

Red Moon

Two Moons

Waning Gibbous

Waxing Gibbous

Waxing Philosophical

Cheshire Cat Smile

Or

Pony in the Moon.

This has been Wilderness Safety Tips.

 

*ringing* Oh—uh--Listeners, we are receiving a call on the _station phone_.

*Picks up phone*

…Hello? You are on the air.

*Horrifying hissing and static noise with reversed voices*

*sighs* *hangs up*

A reminder to our _newer_ listeners: Just like all other recording devices the station phone can’t transmit ectophonics.  While the telephone was once an important part of the station infrastructure and thus is a piece of history which must be guarded viciously against the time vultures, _Postlife listeners_ should please redirect your calls to the station Ouija board.

 

Now for a word from our sponsors

You sit alone in a Diner

Where is your Date?

Where is your Waitress?

Where are the Other Customers?

(Beat)

RED on the tips of your fingers

RED on every table

RED…. All over your French fries.

Heinz 57

We swear it’s not Blood this time.

                                                                                                                                                   

Listeners, strange news! During the break, we received word from Dave Thomas—you know, the Lumberjack?--Apparently, Intern Mackenzie… has vanished!

Mackenzie, who was following up on The Stranger, was last seen conducting an exclusive interview out by the edge of the forest.  Eyewitnesses whisper through my ventilation that Intern Mackenzie was a consummate professional, interrogating The Stranger with the appropriate amounts of both sound and fury, but broke off when the Stranger suddenly spoke to him. No one is sure exactly what was said, in the Stranger's gentle, clarinet solo voice--but whatever it was, reports say it brought a single glistening tear to Intern Mackenzie’s eye, and then like a puff of smoke in the wind, he evaporated.

Listeners, I must admit that I’m a bit worried. Intern Mackenzie is the most diligent of the Pine Cliff Community Radio Interns, and disappearing in the middle of a story isn’t like him. Please, if you have any information on his whereabouts, contact the station at once.

 

In Local News, The Honorable Order of the Vengeful Marley filed a complaint at City Hall this week, after their guest speaker, one Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come esquire, was arrested upon his arrival in town.  The Judicial Oversight Board has stated that the charges were under the No-Chrono Ordinance which classifies all forms of time travel except linear existence in the forward direction as felonies.  It was argued that since he was only named the Ghost of Christmas Future in 1843 there was no probable cause to suspect that he has engaged in any time travel.  

The incident has sparked debate on the law itself. “I don’t see why everyone is so up in arms about Time Travel.” Said Aida El-Mofty, from the local Teens for Time Travel Chapter, while sporting a t-shirt emblazoned with an upside down hourglass, “It’s not like it has the same risks as like, pandimensional universe jumping. Plenty of places, like Night Vale, legalized Time Travel several ages ago and seem to be getting along just fine.”

Sapna Sinclair, founder of the Chronoguard Society for a Stable Timeline, responded “Should we really aspire to be like Night Vale—where Ghosts cannot even have children? Seems a rather backward place if you ask me.”  I guess it’s old versus young where Time is involved, eh listeners?

More on this story after the mandatory 30-day complaint fermentation period.

 

The Stranger has called a town meeting. And by that I mean he has climbed the statue in the center of the charred crater that remains of town square and is addressing the crowd of gathered onlookers.  He says his name is Johann and that he is a medium. He says that Pine Cliff has by far, the most spiritual unrest of any community in North America.   

He says that this afternoon he met a young man named Mackenzie, and sent him to the other side. He claims that what we need is someone to put our town to rest, and that he plans to be that person. The crowd in the town crater whispers anxiously. But Johann raises his hand and the silence falls. He says in his gentle hum of a voice that there need be no fighting, he would find each and every one of them in turn and free them from this twilight world. He says—oh listeners—he says that by nightfall Pine Cliff will be empty of lost souls!

I… um. I’m sorry listeners I’ve never had to do this before.  To the parents of Intern Mackenzie: I… I’m sure he’s in a better place now? He gave his existence in the service of community radio and he will be...

No, I refuse to stay calm at a time like this!  This man, this Stranger, he has just confessed to _murder_!  And said he plans to kill again! We are in the middle of an unofficial public emergency! This man, Johann, is not a friend to our town. He is a dangerous criminal at large! Do not let him speak to you citizens! Hide in your homes until the Phantom Constabulary can process a warrant for his arrest. Remember that as a living person he can be rebuffed by large solid objects and intense temperatures. But under no circumstances should you approach this murdering—oh, um…  

I’m sorry; I am receiving a note from the Law Enforcement Administrative Center. _Apparently,_ since Intern Mackenzie was already dead, Johann the Medium has not _technically_ murdered anyone. In fact, he hasn’t really done anything _illegal_ at all. “We’ve checked all the books,” The Handler said with frazzled and erratic movements on the Ouija Board “And there’s no law against killing a dead person. It’s sort of a legal grey area.”

Listeners, this is terrible! In the absence of a warrant, there is no way to summon the Phantom Constables! Without them who is going to deal with this Stranger?  Who can stand up to this man who would destroy our town, our very existence?  I am afraid, Pine Cliff. I am afraid for our very--          

*Noise*

*Whispering* Listeners? Did you hear that? I think there is someone in my studio.

A Silhouette has appeared behind the frosted glass and I think I hear… breathing outside. I can’t be certain without leaving my post, but I can only assume that the Stranger has come to call …on me. I find myself wishing to hide under my desk, but I will not be afraid. As a radio professional it is my job--no my _duty_ \--to complete the interview that Intern Mackenzie started. And so listeners I take you now … to the Weather.

 

[[Four Winds by Bright Eyes]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnndERkkB20)

 

Well, that was a _doozie_. I don’t think I have ever done such an exciting interview before.

So! Once I’d sent you all to the weather, I crept to the door carrying my portable microphone--you know, the one that doesn’t attach to anything? Peeking through the crack, I saw him just five feet down the hallway! He was panting like crazy and pouring salt all over the floor (because he was raised in a barn apparently). Anyway collecting myself in true journalistic fashion I pushed open the door and said “Kathie Smith, Pine Cliff Community Radio, would you be willing to answer a few questions on the air?”  

He turned to me and was all like “You’re alive!” And I was like hey, thanks for noticing. Then he just ran up and grabbed my arm, which was super rude. I tried to ask him if erasing our little community from existence was premeditated and to follow up if he believed in the illusion of free choice, but he totally cut me off. He’s all like “This town is full of vengeful ghosts!” which is super offensive, I know.  Anyway while I was trying to collect myself after that he was just like “We have you to get out of here, it’s not safe!” and started pulling me toward the door.

Can you believe that listeners? He expected me to just ditch my job and run away with some guy I barely knew, _in this economy_? What a blockhead.

Just as I was about to lecture him about the modern job market, the flickering fluorescent lights in the room suddenly went out and a bitter unbearable cold seeped up from the floor into our very bones. The Stranger tried the door again only to find it was locked. A shadow darker than darkness itself began to creep up the walls as whispers rose in the air.

“Johann the Medium” The Whispers said. “You are charged with double parking in violation of city ordinance 294. You have the right to remain silent…”

As I stood rooted to the spot by primal fear, two Phantom Constables emerged from the walls and using their great claws removed my arm from his grasp. Johann managed to try and run away but we all know how that goes--a third Phantom Constable emerged from the floor and grabbed his feet before he could get too far. Around this point I started to pass out from the unrelenting petrifying terror, but as I fell I heard the PCs hissing Johann his rights as they dragged him screaming to whatever dimension booking is in these days.  I regained consciousness a few minutes after they’d gone holding a business card and a pamphlet telling me I might be required to appear in court as a witness. Which, you know, a bummer, but still--not bad for interviewing my first murderer, right?  

The official statement from Law Enforcement Administration has just been written on my wall in sticky red liquid. Apparently, while hiding in a monolith downtown, our own Ginny Stetson owner of the Pawn Shop spotted the Stranger’s car parked inside of Madame Josetta’s lime green pick-up truck.  Using his citizen ordinance handbook volume 2, he was able to file criminal charges with the Traffic and Motor Vehicles Bureau, providing _just enough_ probable cause for the Law Enforcement Administration to create an arrest warrant. That’s real citizen heroism folks. Thanks Ginny.

It had been really quite a day, huh Pine Cliff? But I think, somehow, we’ll be better for it. Nothing like a little brush with existential danger to really bring a community together after all! Those citizens who were not able to escape the Stranger will be missed, but we will also remember how this threat to our town was defeated using our greatest weapons: citizen participation, transdimensional summoning and the law. And as long as those weapons remain, we are ready for anything. So as the sun sets on this day of trial, we know that Pine Cliff remains safe, that we remain ourselves. And as today turns into tomorrow we stand confident that Pine Cliff will remain a wonderful place… _to be alive._

_*Yawns*_

Sweet Dreams, Pine Cliff, Sweet Dreams.

_(Call me City Clerk’s Office!)_


End file.
